New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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