I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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