Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
