Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
