Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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