how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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