***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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