Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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