It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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