Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
