I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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