Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
