Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
