weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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