Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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