Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
