I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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