I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
