you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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