someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Drunk is not a location!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
