my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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