Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
