I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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