just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
