I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
