Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
