look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
