i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
