Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
