I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
