I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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