i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
