i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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