Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize