I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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