if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
