I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize