i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
