Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
