So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
