someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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