chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
