You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
