just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
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