She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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