i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i believe in u and ur pee
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