A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
