she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
