I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
