Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You took a bar mat shot.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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