I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
