I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
