Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
