remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
