chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
