so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
