you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
