I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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